Articles

Dr. Ian Smith Talks Relationships

Details: Published on Wednesday, 11 April 2012 14:11

Dr. Ian Smith gives his two cents on what it takes to be successful in a relationship. (Photo: Rance Elgin)

Dr. Ian Smith is best known for his expertise as a medical doctor providing advice on health and fitness. His new book “The Truth About Men: The Secret Side of the Opposite Sex,” is yet another entry into the relationship expert game, but this time with a twist that says it will give you what you need to know about those mysterious foreign creatures otherwise known as men. In his promotional materials for the book, he reveals these gems:

•    Mindreading is an Overrated Art—stop all the reverse psychology and say what it is you really want.
•    The Top 5 Mood Killers—pitfalls to avoid when things are getting intimate.
•    Be a Freak, but not a “Freak of the Week”—he wants you be to a little naughty and edgy, but going too far can be a real turn off.
•    Avoid the “Boyfriend 15” –a little weight gain is okay in almost any part of the body, but weight gain in the stomach that leads to the pooch is…unacceptable.
•    5 Ultimatums Never to Make –“Propose or it’s over,” “It’s me or your friends,” “No contact with your ex,” “No sex before you really love me” and “Either we move in together or call it off.”

Those are interesting, and possibly helpful tips for some. From a woman's perspective, ladies, let me give you some free advice-resolve your relationship issues by taking matters into your own hands. If you can’t find or keep a man, get a therapist, start watching “Life Class” on OWN and work on whatever personal issues are standing in your way. If you think your age or weight is keeping you from meeting men, then get a new hairdresser, upgrade your wardrobe and head to a gym, where, guess what, there’s likely to be some men working out there, too. If your sex life needs spicing up, then buy some lingerie and take a pole-dancing class.

If your man doesn’t want to talk to and communicate with you like a real human being in a relationship should, then you’ve got to face the fact that he will either talk to you in his own time, you’ve got serious problems in your relationship, or he’s seeing someone else and in that case you need a divorce lawyer. If you are a grown woman dealing with a grown man, then you should be able to communicate, speak, talk to, and understand the individual personality you’re dealing with. If you can’t do that, then you should either check yourself for making the bad choice or him for being immature and selfish.

On the other hand, ladies, you don’t have to listen to me, either, because I’m single. Dr. Ian is definitely married, to a lovely lady named Triste Noelle Lieteau, who he dated for, wait for it, fourteen years! The two married in 2005. Maybe she needed the extra time to earn both a medical and a law degree, as this sharp sistah has both!

Listeners can e-mail Dr. Smith at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .
Read the first chapter of "The Truth About Men: The Secret Side of the Opposite Sex" at www.doctoriansmith.com.

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How do you deal with a woman who wants you to go "down south" but she doesn't?
This is a situation where a conversation needs to be had. If you have a problem with her not reciprocating, then you need to have that conversation and hear what her specific issues are. If she does not have reasons that you agree with or that seem unfair, then you should inform her that a non-reciprocal relationship doesn't work for you.

I'm 41 years old and my sex life doesn't exist. My husband is really patient with me, but what can I do so he won't go anywhere? Please, I need help.
I don't know why it's non-existent. Do you simply not desire it or do you simply have a loss of libido? One thing is certain. TALK to your husband ASAP and let him know that it's not that you're not attracted to him. He's probably wondering if it's him that's causing the problem. Also, assure him that you are not having an affair. There are things you can do to still please your man. He will be understanding and patient and stick with you if you are open and show that you're working through the issue.

I've been married 30 plus years and I'm only 53. My husband is not giving it up any more. He ssys he has no desire. Do I move on?
If he really, really has no sexual desire for you, then you need to make a decision. Either you will continue desiring and not getting or you will have to move on. Is he fine with you seeking intimacy elsewhere to satisfy that need? You need to ask him what he wants you to do to satisfy that very necessary need. He has an obligation as a husband if he wants you to remain faithful.

I understand you should say what you want and how you feel. What do you do when your man doesn't believe you when you say how you feel and what you want?
If he's not going to believe you, then you need to show him that you mean what you're saying. It's difficult to convince people that you're telling the truth when you just keep saying that you are. Go ahead and let him know that you're serious or else.

When your husband doesn't want sex, what do you do? He is diabetic, has high blood pressure and and gum disease. I am 44 and he is 61. I want some love. He just sleeps and is grumpy. I don't want to cheat. Not sure if I want him down town with gum disease.
Would you be fine with pleasing yourself and doing what you have to do? That can be fine for a while, but it can get lonely very fast. This is a real adult conversation that you need to have. I never advocate stepping out of a relationship, but I do advocate speaking with your husband about whether this is a big enough problem in the relationship that you can continue on as husband and wife.

Why don't men share their true feelings?
Because men are taught at a young age to be tough and put up a steely facade. Your man is a lot more emotional and sensitive than you think. Be open and work with him and let him know that you respect his feelings and he should share them with you. Relationships are a partnership.

How do i get rid of belly fat? Exercising is not working.
High protein, low carb, intense cardio. Try my book, "The Fat Smash Diet." Lots of people have found great success with that.

Is it possible two end a sexual 12-year relationship because of a moral obligation?
Absolutely. It's never to late to readjust and follow your moral compass. NEVER.

My man says he likes sex alot but we only see each other on the weekend and we will go a couple weeks without having sex. And I have to be the one to initiate it.
This is typically not the case. It's usually the other way around. Ask him if he finds you attractive and is he still desirous of having sex with you.You need to sit down with him and tell him that you're having a problem with this. If he agrees to make a change and doesn't, then it might be time to move.

I started dating a guy I knew from my hometown. He told me he always wanted to date me growing up. As of this year, I finally said I would date him. I knew he was in a relationship and he said it ended. Come to find out he lied. He is still living with her and hasn't left her. So how do I trust him? I thought I asked all the right questions, but he lied. He has left her now, but how do I know he's not lying?
I would say that this is a tough call, because he lied extensively about something serious. It's not to say that liars can't become people of truth, but someone lying about this for so long has a steep hill to incline. What you do really depends on your willingness to take a risk. I'm not sure I'd be sticking around to find out that he's lying about other things. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

My lady and I want to go to a swingers club. But when I say something about it, she doesn't want to make plains to do it. Is she talking about it because she thinks that is what I would like?
Absolutely. Talking about it and not doing it is a clear indication that she probably doesn't want to go. If this is a big deal for you, then you might have a longer conversation with her about how important this is to you. If it's not, let it go. Don't make her feel any more uncomfortable. The relationship is bigger than this experience.

My boyfriend and I have been together for twenty three years. He is painfully obese. We have not had sex in 12 years. No one has beenunfaithful. Does it mean he doesn't really care about me that he won't do what he needs to lose the weight?
The weight could be an issue. Seriously. People who are extremely obese really have biological obstacles when it comes to libido and sexual functioning. 12 years? Really? And he's good with that? And he's not doing what it takes two make things work again? He might have psychological issues that you should be sensitive to and you should maybe suggest he talk to a professional. But if he simply doesn't care and doesn't want you to be satsified, then it might be time to move on amicably.

Speaking on boys' behalf. Before he married his girl, he said they had sex all the time.They get married and all of the sudden, they went from 2-3 times a day to 3-5 times a month. He said he feels like he's been bamboozled into getting married. Would he be wrong to step outside the marriage because he was under the impression that the constant amounts of sex would be the same?
The truth of the matter is that unfortunately, sexual frequency decreases after marriage. This is soemthing that happens to a lot of couples. If the number isn't working for you, it's time to sit down and have a real conversation. If this is a real issue for you and you really can't take it any longer, let her know that this could have a major impact on the longevity of the relationship. But remember, marriage is more than sex and being patient is part of your vows.

How soon are you supposed two show your freaky side to a man?
This can depend on the relationship and the personallities, but I would definitely say not before the first few months of a relationship.

My wife and I are now on the brink of separation. Without going deep into details, I don't believe in marriage counselors and she claims she wants to see one. What's your opinion or take on it?
This really depends on how much you want to stay in the relationship. I completely understand your reluctance about marriage counselors. Many feel the same thing. But the question is how much do you want to stay with your wife. If that desire is bigger than your dislike for counselors, then you should sit down and talk to a third person who might help you both see things that you're not able to see on your own. Marriage is work, but the work is worth it when you love the other person.

Do you suggest bringing in a third person would help spice up the freak level in a relationship?
It can definitely spice up a relationship, but be careful. Both of you really must be on board and know that a third person can make for a tense situation during and after. Many have tried this, but few have been able to continue a relationship without being changed forever. Proceed with caution.

I've been in a relationship for over six years now is we have a 2-year-old daughter. My boyfriend has now moved to another city for work. The communication between us is minimal now and most of it is through text messages. We've been talking about moving to another city(state) for about two years now. He talks about plans of buying a house and so forth, but it doesn't seem that my daughter and I are really included in those plans. We've been talking about getting married since I was pregnant, but no steps have been taken to move in that direction and I'm tired. Am I wasting my time? And should I move on? It's been seven years total with an almost 3-year-old with child.
I don't believe that ultimatums work, but I do believe that serious, open conversations really do work. You have decided for yourself when enough is enough. You also have to decide how much this man means two you and your daughter and whether you can find love and happiness elsewhere. Sometimes people who we want don't want us the same way and while it might be tough to accept, you might have to move on.

Can women be like men when it comes to "arriving" only once and just leave you alone to take matters in our hands? It ain't right doc!
Absolutely. Two can play that game. No double standards in a relationship. What's good for the goose is really good for the gander.

Why do some men 45+ like drama in their lives and go to much younger women who have a lot of drama while they're telling you in the same breath they don't like it?
Men go to younger women because they think they that there's soemthing there that they can't get elsewhere. Most guys know that young women typically come with drama, but they weigh the plusses and minuses and make the decision that the rewards are worth the risk. But a lot of these guys tire of the situation very quickly and rarely find happiness.

Why do some guys shy away from women who are successful? Are they afraid of measuring up? I am single, successful, attractive and intelligent.
You have got to read this part of the book. Men are not afraid of successful women, but they are afraid of being in competition with your next promotion. They need to know that they are a priority in your life. They are proud of your success, but they want to make sure they are still needed by you. Let them know this and they will be extremely happy.

When a man continously accuses a woman of wrongdoing, is it: insecurity, a control tactic, or a cover up for their own wrongs?
If the woman isn't really doing those things, then it's all three that you mention. Some men are very insecure and overly controlling. If you sniff this out in a man, stay far, far away. Go fishing in another part of the lake.